A Clean Slate and a bit of Tough Love

I don't know how to deal with being last, I don't know how to be a regular freshman and work my way up if it takes longer than the first three races of the season. I don't know how to handle all of this and I've shut down. I am not the runner I was, I don't feel in shape when I know I am and its an excuse I've been using to comfort myself. I am my biggest weakness. I set standards I desire to have but have failed to work for. I have never been lazy like this before, I am in a deep hole and I have to climb out. I ruin myself. I know times I've ran before and when I don't hit them again or struggle to, I fall apart. I have never been slower in a season since I've started running, I don't know how to handle it or how to approach it positively. The one time I was, I had low iron; and apart from having a sore throat I don't know if anything is wrong with my other than my ability to believe in myself. I don't know how to subdue to my ego and start all over. I have had a constant battle with running for so long I don't remember how to run for myself. I know I did as a freshman in high school, I didn't know what I was doing or what I was capable of. As soon as I got fast it became a battle within myself to please my dad, I could never run fast enough, I could always do more speed work or 400's, if he coached me I could break five easily, which I never did. Then it was a battle for recognition, I felt important on the team but never felt important from one coach. This might start problems but I don't care, if this is how I find myself again as an athlete than it needs to be said. I don't feel like I have honestly been someone that needed a medal or a title or praise but to feel like you never had it is something different. I don't know what it was, I felt like we always butted heads, I don't particularly know why, towards the end things were better but I just could never relate to you it seemed like the other athletes. I don't know if this was brought on by myself or a jealousy of how I thought everyone else's coach-athlete relationship was to you, I don't know. I just never felt comfortable, or recognized. I always felt like I was battling you, like I had to prove you wrong or show you up, and that probably isn't how it should have been, I know that isn't how it should be. There are those who got it all the time, and those who were babied and pampered and they sat out of things when I ran everything and to me, that was how I became a stronger person, I put aside my desire to be applauded and tried to take advantage of every race I got, something I know I didn't do this season. To the twins, I love you, but I felt like I could never live up to you. Ever. And it wasn't your fault. It didn't matter how fast I ran or how consistent I was I would never be as good, end of story. So I latched onto another motivation to help me run. I wanted to run for Nebraska. So I focussed on track because those were the time standards I was given, and I looked at all of the girls' times on the team and I tried to come close to their high school bests because if they could do it and I came close or did than I knew I could make it too. So I tried to impress Jay with every opportunity I had, and I used that as my fuel for two years and I seemed to always run well in front of him so every time I did I was motivated even more. And then finally, after Mt.SAC Relays in the mile when I broke 5:10 for the first time, I believed in myself. I wanted to break five so bad and I was going to run every workout with that in my mind as my ultimate goal. And I went out and ran a lot faster the next week at IEC, and I was running repeat 400's all at or under 70 and I was on top of the world. I haven't felt like that since, because I let things get in my way.  I have used my dad and Soles and Jay as an excuse, a motivation, to prove them wrong or right, but I have only ran maybe five races in my life that were just for me. For me, if I set my reasons for someone else, I don't want to let them down, or I get mad and want to show them up, but its easiest for me to give up if I am running for myself, and that isn't how it should be at all. It should be the opposite. I have struggled since track ended to be entirely happy with running, I have had a lot of downs in the roller coaster of distance running and my confidence in coming back up again has been thin. I can run workouts just fine but when we have time trials or anything with a title I go straight to the back and put myself out of the hunt before it even begins. I spent so long dreaming of running here that once I got here I didn't know what to do, and I got into a slump and didn't pick myself up out of it. And I didn't run anywhere near my ability and I didn't put in the effort I should have and I know that now. And I know that my biggest support through all of this has been my mom, I don't always know how to take her tough love but its usually everything I need to hear, thanks mom, you have made me the runner I was and I am capable of being. So I won't be writing a lot on this blog, I need to find myself and fix myself before I can help others around me like I'm so used to. I'll write again when I am myself, I'm pretty sure the process of starting over begins now. It's going to take a lot of hard work and I am finally ready to give it my all again.
I hope everyone is well and I know that I'm going to get there soon and that all of this had to be said, I can't keep it inside anymore if I want to move on.
This will be my last blog of 2010
Happy Holidays,

Sam

Coach, no wind.

NOT.
How about 28 mph winds from the north? We had a nice run yesterday, low mileage with drills and core. We went inside the rec to do drills and core because of the wind, basically an indoor turf field.

I'm baaaaaaaack :)

I had a really good workout yesterday, its finally all starting to click together. We did 3k, 2k, 1k with 2mi warm up and 2mi cool down. I  was about 42 seconds faster through the 3k than I was the last time we ran this workout so that was really a confidence booster.Today we had a nice long run, it was a quicker pace for me than normal but it felt just right. I'm starting to adjust to running faster, and my body is feeling it! Right hammy is pretty sore ha ha but thats the beauty of running ;) Hope all is well!

Happy November

I hope everyone had a good Halloween weekend, I did. Back to business now though, today is a recovery run and tomorrow a workout. A busy week ahead... bio tutor tonight, bio lab tomorrow, math test make-up on Wednesday morning, bible study Wednesday night, a film for english Thursday evening, a play for theatre on Friday night. I hope everyone is doing well, post any questions or comments you have and I'll get back to you a-sap.

The women competed at Big XII's this weekend, finishing 8th in the final Big XII Championships for Nebraska. Lara Crofford led us with a 10th place finish, the first Husker Cross woman to recieve 3 All Big XII team recognitions for her high placings at Conference. Martina was 16th in a speedy 21:03 and everyone else did the best they could to help the Huskers earn their 8th place showing. The men were 6th and the top 7 of each team continue on to Regionals in two weeks, go big red!

Two months and two weeks until Indoor track kicks off with the first race of the season!