A Clean Slate and a bit of Tough Love

I don't know how to deal with being last, I don't know how to be a regular freshman and work my way up if it takes longer than the first three races of the season. I don't know how to handle all of this and I've shut down. I am not the runner I was, I don't feel in shape when I know I am and its an excuse I've been using to comfort myself. I am my biggest weakness. I set standards I desire to have but have failed to work for. I have never been lazy like this before, I am in a deep hole and I have to climb out. I ruin myself. I know times I've ran before and when I don't hit them again or struggle to, I fall apart. I have never been slower in a season since I've started running, I don't know how to handle it or how to approach it positively. The one time I was, I had low iron; and apart from having a sore throat I don't know if anything is wrong with my other than my ability to believe in myself. I don't know how to subdue to my ego and start all over. I have had a constant battle with running for so long I don't remember how to run for myself. I know I did as a freshman in high school, I didn't know what I was doing or what I was capable of. As soon as I got fast it became a battle within myself to please my dad, I could never run fast enough, I could always do more speed work or 400's, if he coached me I could break five easily, which I never did. Then it was a battle for recognition, I felt important on the team but never felt important from one coach. This might start problems but I don't care, if this is how I find myself again as an athlete than it needs to be said. I don't feel like I have honestly been someone that needed a medal or a title or praise but to feel like you never had it is something different. I don't know what it was, I felt like we always butted heads, I don't particularly know why, towards the end things were better but I just could never relate to you it seemed like the other athletes. I don't know if this was brought on by myself or a jealousy of how I thought everyone else's coach-athlete relationship was to you, I don't know. I just never felt comfortable, or recognized. I always felt like I was battling you, like I had to prove you wrong or show you up, and that probably isn't how it should have been, I know that isn't how it should be. There are those who got it all the time, and those who were babied and pampered and they sat out of things when I ran everything and to me, that was how I became a stronger person, I put aside my desire to be applauded and tried to take advantage of every race I got, something I know I didn't do this season. To the twins, I love you, but I felt like I could never live up to you. Ever. And it wasn't your fault. It didn't matter how fast I ran or how consistent I was I would never be as good, end of story. So I latched onto another motivation to help me run. I wanted to run for Nebraska. So I focussed on track because those were the time standards I was given, and I looked at all of the girls' times on the team and I tried to come close to their high school bests because if they could do it and I came close or did than I knew I could make it too. So I tried to impress Jay with every opportunity I had, and I used that as my fuel for two years and I seemed to always run well in front of him so every time I did I was motivated even more. And then finally, after Mt.SAC Relays in the mile when I broke 5:10 for the first time, I believed in myself. I wanted to break five so bad and I was going to run every workout with that in my mind as my ultimate goal. And I went out and ran a lot faster the next week at IEC, and I was running repeat 400's all at or under 70 and I was on top of the world. I haven't felt like that since, because I let things get in my way.  I have used my dad and Soles and Jay as an excuse, a motivation, to prove them wrong or right, but I have only ran maybe five races in my life that were just for me. For me, if I set my reasons for someone else, I don't want to let them down, or I get mad and want to show them up, but its easiest for me to give up if I am running for myself, and that isn't how it should be at all. It should be the opposite. I have struggled since track ended to be entirely happy with running, I have had a lot of downs in the roller coaster of distance running and my confidence in coming back up again has been thin. I can run workouts just fine but when we have time trials or anything with a title I go straight to the back and put myself out of the hunt before it even begins. I spent so long dreaming of running here that once I got here I didn't know what to do, and I got into a slump and didn't pick myself up out of it. And I didn't run anywhere near my ability and I didn't put in the effort I should have and I know that now. And I know that my biggest support through all of this has been my mom, I don't always know how to take her tough love but its usually everything I need to hear, thanks mom, you have made me the runner I was and I am capable of being. So I won't be writing a lot on this blog, I need to find myself and fix myself before I can help others around me like I'm so used to. I'll write again when I am myself, I'm pretty sure the process of starting over begins now. It's going to take a lot of hard work and I am finally ready to give it my all again.
I hope everyone is well and I know that I'm going to get there soon and that all of this had to be said, I can't keep it inside anymore if I want to move on.
This will be my last blog of 2010
Happy Holidays,

Sam